Important Announcement June 2018
My heart and soul have been poured into Firefighter Wife / 24-7 COMMITMENT for the past 6+ years. How this community supports each other means the world to me. It’s truly been a gift to many, but more so to me personally than I could ever explain.
For the past year, behind the scenes, I’ve been being supported privately by some close fire wife sisters as our family has been facing some major life challenges. Despite much effort and commitment, I'm deeply saddened to announce that Dan and I are divorcing.
I'm also deeply concerned because I do not want any of you to doubt what is happening here with 24-7 COMMITMENT. This organization has always been way bigger than Dan and I. I still 100% believe in the mission.
The 2018 Commitment Weekend will go on as planned thanks to our amazing team. Dan will not be in attendance and I'll be behind the scenes helping. Our online communities will continue to run. The team here is more than capable and we have already been searching for a new Executive Director.
I'm sure there are many here who are shocked, and worried and maybe upset or angry. I get it. All the emotions come up in these situations.
To help answer questions and concerns, and take this mission one step further in strengthening marriages, I've posted a video and resources further down this page.
It's intended to be a marriage resource, not a divorce support system. I'm not launching a new service, website or anything of the kind.
Please take this message and direct your energy even more purposefully towards strengthening your marriage. This team will continue building the supportive fire family community we've experienced since the beginning of this organization, that we plan to continue for many years to come.
And please understand when I ask for space for healing during this difficult season. I appreciate all the love that has already been sent our way as we’ve walked this difficult road.
Sincerely grateful for the blessing of this fire family, Lori Mercer
The name is dramatic. I know. And I'm sorry you have to be here.
This is the web page I never wanted to create.
This page is intended only for good. For support for those of you on the brink of divorce, or those who've been a casualty of it.
It is a title I now wear officially. Yes me. Lori Mercer.
The founder of FirefighterWife.com and 247commitment.org.
It’s painful, humbling, therapeutic, challenging and important to create this.
Because I’m not the first, nor the last to walk this road and no one should walk alone.
As the founder of this marriage mission, I owe you some answers.
In this video, I share in my own words why this doesn't mean an end to the 24-7 COMMITMENT mission.
Despite what has happened to our marriage, the non-profit board, myself and our volunteer team still fully believe in marriage, in the mission of supporting marriages and in all the resources and programs born of 24-7 COMMITMENT.
The 24-7 COMMITMENT Moving Forward Remains Strong
And the team wants the support of more couples who are driven to fight this demon called divorce.
This news is no surprise to our core team members and non-profit board who have been in the trenches supporting us personally for, well, years now.
And this organization has done the same for many other fire couples.
They are truly some of the best friendships I've made my entire life. (And oh the fun you can have together!!!)
Does this fire you up to get more involved in the mission of saving marriages? We hope so. Because this organization is always looking to grow our volunteer network.
As we work to transition to a new Executive Director, allowing me to step away and heal, the need for volunteers doesn't lessen.
Visit 247Commitment.org/volunteer for more information.
If you are also walking this road, stay strong and stay kind. There is no room for spite in a life well-lived.
If you find yourself in a marriage difficulty, or perhaps already divorced, please continue reading for more support resources.
As the founder of a marriage ministry, I owe some explanation. This page is not a new blog launch, or a new service offering. It's simply a resource. I'm not "promoting" my divorce. It's tragic. There are lots of questions understandably. And I simply can't field them all one-on-one. I hope this page helps. It's simply a page. No commenting. No support tools. No future blogging. No extended mission. We are both in a place of healing.
Where It All Began
FirefighterWife.com was a blog born out of the pains of my marriage struggles, but more importantly the victories in the battles we faced along the way. We made it 16 years. Many years of love, truly, none of which is minimized by the fact that we’ve become a statistic. Those 16 years, while difficult, also included many blessings, happy memories and supportive moments.
Our Divorce Doesn't Invalidate the Marriage Resources Created for 24-7 COMMITMENT
They are still valid, still doing good and will continue to be a helpful tool for fire families everywhere.
24-7 Commitment was never about me or us. It was always about the community and team who has walked closely alongside us in this bittersweet season and who is even more impassioned to serve fire marriages moving forward.
God uses everything for good for those who love Him. I’m not saying that to somehow justify divorce.
I am saying that because as painful and humbling as this is, there’s no way I could build Firefighter Wife and 24-7 COMMITMENT, write a vulnerably transparent blog and book on marriage and fire family life, then walk through divorce and leave you all hanging, shocked and wondering “why?” or worse yet, using it an excuse to not keep working on your own marriage. I have a duty and obligation to show up and share.
Because I was trusted with the mission of marriage in the fire service. God blessed it beyond my wildest imagination. And you better bet he knew I’d somehow walk this path and still he led me to build it.
Shame tells me to hole up in a cave. Courage tells me I must share this. Because it’s part of the story, not just mine. A story that isn’t finished yet.
What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think - or letting go of how I feel, what I believe and who I am?
- Brene Brown
Why FirefighterExWife.com?
I want to reinforce that in no way is my intent with this writing to disgrace my husband. He's the father of my children. I want the best for him. It's what we are called to do. It is 100% not the point of this site. I know my own responses and behaviors (or lack thereof) also contributed to getting to this point.
This page aligns with our values at FirefighterWife.com. There will be no judgment, name calling, (ex)husband bashing or other unhealthy behavior tolerated. We only do more damage by those means.
FirefighterExWife.com was actually his idea. He threw these painful words at me in an argument shortly after Firefighter Wife had taken off and began to grow. We even spoke about it together, and the impact of “epic fights” at the Chicago Commitment Weekend.
After we escaped that particular battle and got some healing space, we were able to laugh about it and say, “Hey, that’s actually a good idea for marketing. Look how many times we’ve been on the brink and recovered? I bet this could help someone.”
For purely mission supporting reasons, I bought the domain. I’m sure some of you googled “divorcing a firefighter” and this popped up. That’s why this is important work.
{Throwing around the D word is a destructive behavior in marriages (Read about D Word Damage here) and we recommend that isn’t something you practice. When you feel that kind of anger coming, walk away.}
(Please think about those fire marriages around you struggling and what you could be saying / doing to support them.)
Every marriage cannot be saved. Just like every house cannot be saved from fire. That’s not pessimistic but realistic.
When you pull up on the scene with fire blasting from every window, the scenario is much different than when you pull up and find a flaming oven contained to the kitchen. The oven is lost but the house is in tact.
Perhaps the most frustrating scenario is when you pull up and nothing is showing. But you make entry and within seconds, you have the inside view as to what’s going on in that fire and it’s on the brink of flashover or explosion.
In our marriages, it’s not often we let people inside to see what’s really going on.
(If your marriage is struggling, please share with a safe, confidential, wise support person in your life before it’s too late.) See the 24-7 Commitment Online Communities Now.
That’s more like what happened with us.
On the surface, our highlight reel made us appear to be both real and relatable as a firefighter family, but also as if we had it all figured out.
And we did have a number of big wins under our belt. Wins that can and will continue to help fire marriages everywhere. We had a passion to share those wins with others because we knew how painful it is to be hurt and broken by fights, arguing and painful behaviors.
I believe in working until you are exhausted to make your marriage work, but sadly we were not able to find the solutions for us. (I do believe in God’s miracles of making all things new. Despite the necessity to legally divorce, my heart is open to seeing God do a mighty work.).
Due to the freshness of the divorce, respect for my husband, consideration for our kids (who are on social media) and being in an ongoing healing period, I don’t want to share and dissect the details of the damaging cycles that ultimately moved us to the decision to divorce. Please respect this boundary.
We’ve always said work on yourself to make your marriage better.
Those who attended past Commitment Weekends may remember this talk and this slide.
Now I am adding an important word, work on yourself FIRST.
First stabilize yourself. As I’ve been in deep therapy and counseling for a few years now, I’ve learned how important this is. So often we say “go to marriage counseling” when what I think we should be saying is “check yo self before you wreck yo self” (can we still find humor in tragedy? I hope so. Smiling can help heal.)
If your marriage is broken, stop looking at the other person and get yourself to a counselor and figure that part out. That’s the part you can control.
It's imperative to work through marriage challenges as an individual with a counselor and a small tribe of wise counsel who are personally stable and know you well.
Counseling is simply a way to get third party clarity on what’s going on in our brain space and hearts. Counseling only works when there is complete honesty, transparency and a willingness for self-awareness. Don’t go to a counselor seeking validation. Go with questions, open minds and hearts for learning more about yourself. And leave with the homework of journaling, meditating, walk and think, whatever method you use to do the important inner work. This is where true change and healing happen.
This mental work needs to happen as an individual no matter what is going on in your marriage.
These destructive cycles in marriage can be so hurtful. We need to grieve the loss of what we had hoped our marriage would be, whether we stay together or not. Sweeping these emotions under the rug will only intensify the hurt.
You may have forgiven and moved beyond a battle, but the hurtful words that were spoken have done damage and can continue to ring in your mind over and over.
Work through them. Seek the truth and squash the lies in your brain. Cry it out. (I’ve cried more tears in the past year than my entire lifetime.)
Commitment is not Enough. It’s time to go beyond Commitment.
This is our theme for Commitment Weekend 2018, which yes, is still going to be life changing for the almost 100 couples in attendance. The power of this mission being way bigger than my divorce.
Sometimes 2 stubbornly committed people can stay committed “at all cost” - fierce loyalty, pride, honor - things we preach in the fire service (I wrote a book called Honor & Commitment for a reason, right?)
We love to use the fire analogy for fun things in our mission - HOT for marriage, fire up your love life….all good things. But fire also burns.
After over 6 years of leading this organization, I've been in the mud with other couples who are struggling. The negative side of fire in marriage can look like this.....
Those aren't all things I experienced in my own marriage. But as a leader here, things I've seen over and over.
It's fun to make these analogies with firefighting, until they hurt right? Let's look at what the experts say.
Gottman on Predictors of the End of a Relationship
The Gottmann Institute on marriage has some of the best materials on these topics.
"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship."
Gottmann defines these as:
Criticism. Contempt. Defensiveness. Stonewalling.
Can you see why it's more than commitment?
Beyond Commitment, we dig into the issues that damage, the fires that burn our marriages. We need cooler heads to humble ourselves.
Forgive the somewhat cheesy analogy but how about we add some ICE?
Integrity
Do what you said you would do. Honestly express your feelings. Be your genuine authentic self in all areas of your life.
Courage
Don't sweep things under the rug grateful for the peace and the good make up sex. Have the courage to speak up before you blow up. Those are tough conversations, especially when you know you need to avoid the 4 horseman - defensiveness or criticism or contempt or stonewalling.
Empathy
Simply being with a person in their feelings. Hearing their feelings. Understanding their feelings. Without judgment. Without fixing. Marriage vows ultimately say "I'll be with you through it all."
So back to Dr. Gottman, there is hope when your marriage is struggling. And by trust, it doesn't immediately mean there was an infidelity. It also means.... can I trust you with my true thoughts and feelings? Can I speak something without you being angry at me? Can I vulnerably share something I'm struggling with and not worry about being shamed, condemned and made fun of?
Lastly, Dr. Brene Brown, who calls herself a "shame" researcher, has much to say about empathy.
If you've read this far and your marriage is hurting (or you know someone's who is), I suggest these resources:
Personally struggling to stay calm and deal with a difficult marriage?
Try this tool to find your CORE strength.
A few short words of advice from me, founder of a marriage ministry who is now an ex-wife
Anger intensifies everything. Avoid it. And do not stay in the same place as anger when it shows up in your spouse (leave the conversation).
Learn to recognize what is happening around you but to not overreact emotionally.
Own your "junk". You are responsible for your own reactions only.
Moving Forward Personally... with Grace and Kindness
He’s still the father of my children and we will continue to co-parent together. He’s still a great firefighter, born to be one in my opinion and truly has found his calling in life. Ultimately we must continue to want the best for our ex’s. Only good can come from that, while nothing good comes from wishing ill or even doing hurtful actions with finances, words, “stuff”, plans or anything.
And many are watching how we walk this path, including, and most importantly, our children.
Would I Say Anything Different to Fire Wives Today?
I wouldn't say anything differently about learning about the fire service and being a supportive wife to a firefighter.
But I would intensify the message of what we as wives need from our husbands.
Perhaps our desire to communicate and teach about the fire life watered down the fact that it's a two way street. That adapting to fire life should not cripple you into walking on eggshells, or cause your entire family schedule to revolve around when he's at the station and when he isn't.
I do believe fire families can thrive when there is equal love and support flowing back into the home.
When home is not “just” a soft place to land for a firefighter, but a haven for everyone in the home to learn and grow, succeed and fail, love and forgive.
There is so much pride and honor being married to a firefighter. I do feel that and believe that. But none of it is more important than any one person's self-worth and value, especially the spouse and the children.
Can I ask for your grace as we walk through this?
It's tragic, hurtful and difficult. And, our kids are on social media with access to watch. Consider that.
So our kids are on social media and likely to read anything you write. Consider that before you cast judgment (I know some will).
For those of you tempted to share and gossip over this (it’s inevitable…. like many fire service organizations, ours has not been without it’s share of drama for which I’ve had to make difficult decisions and take the high road for the sake of the importance of this mission), Can you please consider the value and purpose of what you are trying to achieve with that?
Hurt upon hurt never brings healing. If you have differing views, please just pass this by.
I already appreciate the outpouring of support I've received and your messages mean so much. Please understand if I do not respond personally as I'm in an intentional season of healing for myself and for the kids.
How do you close a message like this?
The story isn't over. I've sat in the scriptures of James for much of this season. It's the right dose of hope and straight up reality checking to help me stay strong through this. So I'll end like this..... God knows. And I'm listening closely and striving to not let fear and condemnation take any ground in my mind. #seektruth
Dan declined to contribute to this page, not because he doesn't care for all the people he loves in 24-7 COMMITMENT. Please respect that divorce is incredibly hurtful and divisive and why we work so hard to avoid it. We all heal in our own ways and timing. Please give us both space to navigate this. We didn't start this mission planning to have to do this.